How to Become a Lonely Kenyan Girl at Age 45

Posted on 4:54 am, July 14, 2012 by Chiriku

Drunks and drug addicts make bad boyfriends and bad fathers. Walk, Walk

Now that’s what I love hearing our women in Kenya talking about. Heck, stop following that fool who everyone knows sells drugs, I’m here ladies, Chiriku is here.

Caroline Mutoko made my day superb opening statement. Then the confused woman had to continue talking.

Someone once said that when you say something of substance, stop. Unfortunately, no one wrote this lady that memo.

Ms Mutoko The Men at Intercon are the Drug Dealers

I have to confess a few things. First I don’t listen to her on radio. I can’t understand what she’s saying, so I’d rather tune it to bonoko.

So, I’m not, as they say, in her “target market”. Damn I already feel lame saying that.

So the niceties and disclaimer over, I would like to suggest that men in Kenya were born by women.

As they say in computer language, What you see is what you get. If you have a habit of only seeing the damn suit that the drug dealer at intercon, serena and Six Eighty is wearing, you will forever see men who can’t be fathers. You may even end up adopting kids as you just can’t find fathers amongst this lot.

The Dumbing Down of Kenyan Girls

I hazard to guess that the organisers of this meet had the goal of empowering young Kenyan girls to be successful.

But does wearing a skirt right at the knee make you successful? Don’t forget to wear a biker please.

Does not going to Njugunas for a date make you successful?

Heck there were 600 women on that meet. Please someone give me the statistics on 600 men you know in Kenya who will take you to the Hilton. I personally know of 0 and I know very many men.

So are these young girls doomed to failure? After all they don’t work at Kiss.

If you ask me, if your office has girls who come with brown paper bags full of underwear, then you have a morality issue in your office. In most “average” offices, women are decent enough not to carry their underwear in a brown bag. It’s only meant for food.

Average is Kiss FM

Before you start calling other people average, just because you bought a car, THINK.

Kiss FM is an average station, with lower than average content and honestly only average people bother tuning to it. I say that because if a station can lose out to one Maina and Kigangi that is a soft porn station, you really cannot consider yourself, NOT AVERAGE.

Just because 1 million Kenyans tune in to a show, does not make it NOT AVERAGE. There are 40 million Kenyans and statistically it is possible to have 1 million AVERAGE Kenyans listening to you.

Men Hate Gold Diggers

If there is anything our parents teach men as kids is to avoid the gold digger. Hehe.

You know, the girl next door who will tell you to take her out to the most expensive places in town and still keep her knickers on?

I’m saving myself for “the man” girls end up removing their own knickers at age fote fai. Save yourself for “the man” but please let me save some of this money I’m spending on this 100 bob sausage.

Fair is fair. Save your knickers, I save my money. We can meet at my moms place and watch Papa Shirandula or something.

I will tell you a secret about men. If you go around spending your boyfriend’s money willy nilly, all he’s thinking about is how you are going to pay back for it. Your knickers are a good concession. You can take that to the bank.

If you are really honest about waiting, then please help the poor Kenyan boy save some of that money. Not spend it like Ms. Mutoko.

Taking Advice from Single Women is Hazardous to Your Love Life

I’m not here to judge. But I’m finding it rather funny that one can take relationship advice from one Caroline Mutoko and Maina Kageni.

If this is not a misnomer I don’t know what is. Imagine this

How to Keep Your Man for a Successful Marriage a book by Maina Kageni and Caroline Mutoko

CarolNyambane How to Become a Lonely Kenyan Girl at Age 45

Caroline Mutoko with Walter Nyambane (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It would be a best seller.

I hope I’m wrong, but it seems someone may have made a wrong decision with their choice of boyfriends. Now has joined the “men are devils” brigade. And wants to say the following

Buy a mercedes benz, adopt a child, sleep alone every night (unless you get sausage funga) and you will be a very very successful Kenyan lady.

Total nonsense.

I’m a married man with one daughter. I would hate her to be a gold digger. I want her to find the man who will be her companion, not her ATM card.

Being feminine is a blessing from God. Being humble is a blessing too. Being successful does not equate to being abbrasive just because your boyfriends were useless.

What Kenyan Men Really Want

Since I’m in the mugithi night and ramogi night crowd, I guess I don’t qualify to go to Serena. Good because if these are the women you get in these places, thank God, I went to my kalocal and got my wife eating a big fish without a fork with fish juice dripping all over her lips. Damn, she looked good.

Before the lonely professional Kenyan women come spewing bitterness on this blog, let me give them some advice.

Men love their women being successful. After all, it means she can buy herself her wig instead of disturbing me.

We love our women sexy without make up. Having 16 layers of lipstick might look good at 8am but when it really matters at bedtime, we hate kissing sticky gooey stuff.

We love our women confident of their bodies and themselves. No need for them to join slimpossible. Did you ever ask us if we didn’t love holding your love handles? Who told you skinny means tighter?

We love our women wise. Bimbos, with money are more of a terror than Al shabaab with a grenade. Unfortunately, degrees can’t make you wise.

We love our women.

Ok the last one may surprise a lady at 40 who’s not married but honestly, Kenyan men love their women.

Just because we can’t afford a mercedes, doesn’t mean we don’t love you. Just because we can’t get a promotion, doesn’t mean we don’t love you. Just because we don’t listen to Kiss FM, doesn’t mean we don’t love you.